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Sunday, June 3, 2007

a piece of me & emotional calamities . . . i'm hanging on . . . ^^

P.S. This blog is personal. It is not my intention to target anyone in specific. And as what Coco said: Reader Discretion is advised. Peace everyone. ^^

Well I guess this will be my first time to talk about stuffs that is not figuratively or in the form of poem. I always thought that telling something about myself is a like a suicide. Because I’m about to tell others a piece of me in which I don’t know if they will understand or not. But I don’t care if they won’t. As they say, "you can’t please everybody." ^^ Also I didn’t post this just to get some attention. I don’t need anyone’s pity. I’m also tired of explaining myself to people who kept on asking, "musta ka na?", so the next time someone will ask me that cliché, I’ll just give the address of my multiply account for him/her to find out. Peace =)

One night I came to contemplate the neighborhood. The cold summer breeze swing me back to the days, days when my psyche were still blameless, clean-handed, simple, harmless… come to think of it, a lot of things changed… I, changed a lot along with all what happened… I had transformed myself into something I didn’t expect to be or should I say I’ve been avoiding becoming. Unfortunately hostility is now running on my blood. Unconsciously the beast within me grew into a sturdy being. For some sanity I start to lose trust to people, sometimes even to the close ones. Perhaps, because of random stuffs that I’ve gone through this past years. So moreover it’s been a crazy ride.

It’s been almost two years now since I shifted course. It’s been a year now since my MOMMA left to work her ass off abroad. Also it’s been a year now since I transferred from my old dorm inside the campus to our "happy tree house" now (our second tree house actually ^^). After shifting was actually the start of my adventure in this vast land a.k.a. LIFE. The biggest challenge was to face everything now solely. Because I shifted, I have to deal with a different or new group again, coz I won’t be with my old block mates anymore plus I will be an irregular student. Then because my momma left, we, together with my brother and sister are on our own now, meaning we need to be responsible with ourselves now, like in our studies, how are we going to handle our relationship with other people, et setera et setera. So definitely everything is in a new settings. I’ve undergone a lot of good-byes with people that are so close in my heart, and it was so hard. I’m the kind of person who attaches easily to people and to things but really having a hard time to detach thy self to them. I also came to the point where I really want to go out of my old dorm. Perhaps boredom stroked me. I thought that once I get out of this box, probably I would have a new life. So I did it. Summer ’06 when I started to dorm outside the campus. Everything went well, but little did I know this is where my saturation point will begin. I think I don’t need to expand the story that much coz the rest is way too personal. Sorry. ^^

To sum up the story I’ve encountered a lot of betrayals, foul misjudgments, people (most) underestimated me. I’ve been through a lot -- grief, pain, loneliness, and suffering (believe it or not). There was also this time that I really need the help of this person, but sadly she can’t give me any help. I’m the type of person who’s willing to give a hand to people who needs my help, but what’s frustrating was when the time comes that I’m the one in need, suddenly no ones there (doesn’t really apply to every situation, but this happens most of the time). Since that incident unconsciously I limit myself in helping others. I mean I’m not being selfish or what, let say I’m just being careful with my self now. I don’t want to be used again that’s all. But despite all the sad, frustrating and horrible things that happened to me, still I have happy moments. Moments I spent with my true friends and family (before, I thought that family is an accident by birth, coz if you’ll just know my story bout my family, tsk tsk, hehe, but as time goes by, I’d say one way or another with your family, your home).

Once a friend told me, So which way is home. i don't like to be here but i'm here so i have to like it because i'm here anyway. Gets? (Thanks chiz for this line, and she’s right, doesn’t mean that just because you don’t like where you are at the moment you can’t be happy, everyone have different view bout happiness anyway). I remember what Jessica Zafra said: "though I don’t always look like, I’m happy."
Lastly, (yes we’re now in the end coz it’s pass one in the morning and my astigmatism is striking), even though most of the time I abuse myself, and no matter how bad or good I’ve been that day. God knows whom and what I pray to him every night. If there’s one thing that I will always do and remember that is to always love, understand and trust myself, coz no matter what, at the end of the day, it’s always myself that I’m with, and not anybody else. And I’m proud to announce that though I'm still stuck in my "saturation point", I’m trying to rebuild myself from all the emotional calamities that I’ve gone through. ^^